


I Thought I Would Never Love Again

by JohnWinchestersJournal



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-13
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-12-23 09:45:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/924880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnWinchestersJournal/pseuds/JohnWinchestersJournal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jessica Moore, Sam's Stanford girlfriend, dies in the same brutal way as his mother. Sam falls into a time of darkness, in which only Dean can pull him out of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Losing Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam loses Jess in the same painful way he lost his mother, and he can't deal with the loss.

~~Sam~~

I feel trapped. All I can think about is how Jess died the same way mom did. She didn't deserve that, we were happy. Why? Who? I love--loved her. I was going to marry her. What do I do now? I cant possibly finish college without her. I cant. I just cant. Do I call Dean? Will he still be mad? Will he forgive me for leaving him and dad for Stanford? I cant lose Dean too. I'd kill myself. I'm already contemplating it. I breathed out fast, like I had to force the breath out of my body.  
"...Sammy?" I heard Dean say from the other side. He sounded like he was somewhere busy, most likely a bar trying to pick up a chick. I don't know why Dean always felt compelled to pick up chicks. I just didn't understand. I took another deep breath and choked on my words. .  
"hey Dean..um so Jess--she's..Dean..god.." I couldn't say it, I just couldn't do it.  
"Dean, will you please come get me? I'll explain when you get here. Please hurry, before I do something stupid." I spit out, hoping not to worry him too much.  
"I'll be there in 10 Sammy." Dean said with concern laced in his voice. and I knew, Dean would be there in 10. Didn't matter where he was, he would be there. I picked up the small piece of metal that I had sitting on my knee. I ran my finger tip over the sharp edge, drawing blood. I rolled up my sleeve, and drew the metal across the fleshy part of my arm right below my elbow. It was small, but it bled plenty. It kissed my pain away, momentarily. It satisfied my hunger for the moment. I had just enough time to clean up the blood and bandage the small wound before Dean got there. It was so close, I'm so glad that I didn't get caught red handed. What would Dean do if he found out? Hospitalize me? I don't need that. I need to be with my big brother, away from this place that holds too many memorizes of me and Jess.  
Maybe Dean gets with different women everyday to ease his pain? its a strong possibility. I take one last deep breath,and open the door for Dean. My eyes are swollen from crying. I then realizes that my sleeves are still down, and I frantically rushed to roll them down. I love and miss my brother, but I didn't want him to know about my little secret.  
~~Dean~~  
I had just walked into the bar when I got the call from Sam. I haven't heard from Sam in a really long time, and it felt really good to hear his voice again. I worry about Sam too much, and I know it used to bother Sam. I honestly know that he's safe at Stanford, but just to make sure, I like to stay in the same town, keeping an eye on my baby brother. Its a good thing that I haven't ordered a drink yet, because I need to go get my Sammy. Sammy was in trouble and I need to go get him. 

I could tell when Sam let me in that there was something seriously wrong. One, it wasn't his apartment. Two, Jess wasn't with him. Three, he pulled his sleeves down really fast when he opened the door for me. I guess he's cold. Its kinda cold here. I walked into his--new apartment.  
"Dean.." Sam started. I could tell that he was in pain, but I couldn't figure out why. The next thing I knew, my brother had his arms wrapped around my waist, despite Sam being taller than me. He was crying into my shoulder, and I still didn't understand. Sam tightened his grip on me, only to wince and pull back.  
"Sammy? whats wrong?" I asked as I backed us up so we could sit on the couch. Sam won't let go of me, not that I have a problem with that.  
"oh my god..Dean..Jess..shes...she..she.." Sam stuttered. He obviously couldn't get the words out because they were bringing him pain. Why I feel so jealous, I don't know. I guess its because Sam loved Jess and Jess loves Sam and I'm hopelessly in love with my baby brother.  
"shhh.." I whispered into his ear, rubbing small circles on his back. This seemed to calm him down some, so I didn't stop.  
"Dean..Jess is dead." Sam sobbed out.  
"What?!" how'd she die?!" Now I'm starting to feel a bit guilty for being jealous over my little brother being in love. Jess, his harmless girlfriend, DEAD?  
"Same as mom" Sam said in a voice that I had to strain my ears to hear. This couldn't be possible. No, no, no. I can't--I won't believe it. I just can't.  
"Sammy..." I started, pain laced into my voice. Jess was a big deal to Sam, thus a big deal to me.  
"Dean..just...can we get a bit of sleep then leave first thing tomorrow morning? Please" Sam begged, and I just then realized how tired he sounded. He finally peeled his arms off of me, and stood up.  
"Yes, Sammy, of course." I took off my jacket and shoes, and spread out on the couch. I had slept on the couch before, so it wasn't really a big deal. Sam started towards the bedroom, his arms wrapped around himself. Sam looked back at me, thumb rubbing over a spot right below his right elbow.  
"Dean..why are you on the couch?...will you...come sleep in the bed, please" Sam managed to spit out. Clearly he didn't want to be alone. I felt something flutter in my chest. Oh no, are the feelings for my baby brother coming back? Oh god, what am I going to do?

~~Sam~~

Dean crawled into bed, in only his undershirt and boxers. I tried to ignore the fact that his undershirt sculpted his muscular chest, framing him perfectly. When he laid down, his shirt rose a bit and about 2 inches of perfectly tan skin was showing. My mouth almost watered at the sight, but I know I couldn't feel that way about my own brother. I made sure to put on a long sleeve PJ shirt, so that my cut wouldn't show. I also, was only wearing my boxers. I caught Dean staring at how the tight fitting shirt fit on me, and I smiled to myself smugly. Again, I think that I shouldn't feel like this. But I don't care. Love is love, right?  
But wait--would this be considered a rebound? Am I feeling this about Dean just because I miss Jess? Is all of this just because I want some attention? Because I want to be loved? I don't know. I guess I'll sleep on it and see how I feel towards him in the morning. I was snapped out of my thoughts by Dean's hand on my arm, apparently I had been there staring at him this whole time. Shhhhhhhhhhhit.  
"Sammy, are you going to come lay down?" Dean asked me tenderly, gesturing towards the bed. Something flashed through his eyes, I couldn't tell what it was because it was gone just as fast as it appeared.  
"y-y-yeah." I stuttered and let Dean lead me to the bed. He laid down in the middle, and motioned to me to take my place in front of him. I laid down with my back facing him, and he pulled the blankets over us both. Before I could even register what was happening, Dean was pressed up against my back, playing the Big Spoon. I could feel his erection pressed up against my ass, and before I could choose to ignore it, he shifted so that it was pressed against my thigh instead. My lust for him was so strong, but I couldn't let anything happen tonight, because of the fact that I need a bit of time to get over Jess. Dean wrapped his arms around my waist, and pressed a kiss into my hair. My stomach fluttered at the feel of the small, but meaningful kiss. There was too much cold space between the two of us. I couldn't stand that inch of cold air so I pressed my hands against his, and wiggled back against him so that we could share body heat. Dean was already breathing nice and heavy, close to sleep. I wasn't far myself, except everytime I close my eyes the image of Jess burning on our ceiling was there.  
I had to lay there, fighting the urge to break free of his grasp and run to my blade. I made sure that Dean was asleep before I wormed my way out of his embrace. I stood up off the bed, and instantly felt cold. Like there was something...important missing. I rushed to the bathroom and opened the drawer in which I could hide stuff in. I gently picked up the cold piece of steel, and kissed the side of it. I set it down, but it wouldn't be sitting there for long, I can promise you that. I quickly rolled up my sleeve, wincing lightly when it hit the first cut. I chose a path on my skin, and dragged the blade across my arm. It wasn't deep enough to hurt me, I knew how deep I had to go to do some real damage. 

I had just finished dressing the cuts when I heard a faint call coming from the bedroom. I hadn't realized that I had made a huge mess on the floor.  
"Sammy? Where are you?" Dean called out in his sexy sleepy voice. Wait, did I just call his sleepy voice 'sexy'? Yeah, I guess I did. It's true, so what's the harm in it?  
"I'm coming Dean." I called back from the bathroom, quickly replacing the blade into the secret draw, rolling down my sleeve(and wincing slightly, again.) and then flushed the toilet. I walked out into the hallway, to find Dean standing in it shirtless. Just in his boxers. His golden, god-like body slightly glowing in the light from the bathroom. The sight left me breathless, and apparently a long period of time. It wasn't long before I began to feel light headed, and remembered to breathe.  
"Sam are you okay?" Dean asked, walking towards me slowly. I was still standing in the bathroom doorway with the bathroom light still on.  
"Dean, what? Oh, yeah, I'm fine." I managed to spit out. Dean reached me, and used two of his fingers to lift my chin up.  
"Sammy, lets go back to bed. Ok?" Dean asked, his voice completely tender. I all but melted at his touch.  
"Ok." That was all I could manage to say, as weak as I was at this point. Apparently, I had lost more blood than I thought I would. I tried to walk behind him, but my legs wouldn't support my weight. Dean didn't even ask, he just scooped me up into his arms and carried me back to the bedroom bridal style. I laid my head on his shoulder. 

I could really get used to this.


	2. The Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam leaves a mess in the bathroom, and it's not your normal bathroom mess. Self Harm has completely encased his mind.

~~Dean~~

I had to relieve myself. I felt like I was going to explode. So much sexual tension. It was either go to bathroom and jerk, or rub off onto Sammy's leg. I chose bathroom. Don't want to scare him off so fast, now do I?  
Well, there was definitely something wrong. Early I went to touch his right arm, and he flinched away from my touch like it hurt him. I don't want to talk about it right now, he needs to have a little bit of time to get over the fact that his girlfriend is dead. Although I cannot deny my undying love for my baby brother, I do not know if he feels the same towards me, or if he was just using me as a substitute of Jess. My chest cramped at the thought of this, and I swear, I almost started crying.  
Not to mention, I am almost as heart broken as Sam over the loss of Jess. I mean, would you be able to stand the sight of the love of your life in this much fucking pain? If you couldn't feel the pain radiating off of them like a fucking furnace, theres gotta be something wrong with you.  
It was partly my fault Sam left for Stanford anyway. I knew he and dad never got along. He asked me if I wanted to go off hunting, just the two of us. Why I said no, I still don't understand to this day. If I had said yes, we wouldn't be in this situation. And then it hits me, it's all my fault. Its's my fault that Sammy lost his girlfriend. Its my fault that Sammy is stuck in heartache. What have I done? Oh Sammy, what have I done to you?  
Well, I guess you could say that I'm completely soft now. I just had to piss.  
I walked into the bathroom, and turned the light on. The mess on the floor in front of me, it was just--horrifying.  
Sam.  
Sammy!  
Sammy was hurting himself.  
My dear Sammy was cutting himself.  
I can't--I just...Sammy.  
God. Sammy. Why Sammy, why?  
God. I guess I have to clean this up, huh?  
I can't think straight. I can't believe Sam would do this to himself. I'm not going to send him away to some hospital. I'm not going to yell at him. I'm going to love him. Love him and never stop. Sam deserves love, he doesn't deserve to hurt himself. I can't..I just can't think. Is this how the mighty fall in love? Can I even define this as love? I've never felt something like this. This..deep longing. I can't put this into words. Whenever I think about Sam, I feel like my heart is going to explode. I get somewhat dizzy, and I can't breathe. Although this may be unhealthy, I don't care. I'm going to protect and love Sam. Whenever I touch Sam, I feel like my skin had be caught on fire. I can't even explain, I just know that I have to love and be there for him.

I cleaned up the mess, tears streaming down my face. Used the bathroom, and walked back to the bedroom to get back to Sam. I stopped in the doorway to watch him sleep for a bit. God, this man sleeps like an angel. I can't even comprehend the way he takes my heart away. I stepped closer to the bed, and winced when the floorboard creaked. Sam stirred in his sleep, rolling over and half-consciously searching the empty space where I had been. He whined in his sleep, and grasped at the blanket. "Dean...?" I heard him croak out, in his perfect sleepy-voice. I walked closer to the bed, and I could now see the tears streaming down his face. He had been crying. I wasn't there to help him when it begun. I had failed him, again. I couldn't stand the sight. The perfectly smooth skin of his face wet with tears. and I couldn't help him. I wasn't what he wanted. I felt the fresh tears run down my face, and run along the curves of my jaw and onto my lips. I licked them, tasting the salty drops of pain. I walked to Sam's side of the bed, and put my hand on his shoulder. "Sam, come here. I want to show you something." I say calmer than I feel. Sam stands, and he sees the tears on my face. He raises his hand, and wipes them off gently with the pad of this thumb. I take his hand, and lead him down the hallway, through the living room, and out the front door. I close the door behind us, and we walk down the only flight of stairs. I turn to look at him, and he looks back at me questionably, but doesn't resist when I pull him towards the Impala. "Dean, what are yo-" I cut him off by lifting him easily and placing him onto the hood of the Impala. I crawled up next to him, but facing him. "Sammy, look up. Look at the stars. Do you see them? Do you see how the sparkle? Now look at me." I said calmly. Sam looked at the stars, then looked at me. I could see it in his eyes, he was nervous and didn't understand what was going on. But he didn't argue. I took his right hand in mine, and moved to push up his sleeve. He whined slightly in protest, but I didn't listen. I laid his arm on my leg, so that I could use both hands to pull up his sleeve, trying to avoid dragging it on the skin. When I went to push his sleeve up over his elbow, he winced slightly and I pull the sleeve outwards some more so that it wouldn't touch the skin at all. I finally managed to get it over the bandages, which were stained with blood. "Sammy..." I whispered, moving my hands gently over the bandages, shifting to take them off. "Dean..I just--I'm sorry..I.." Sam tried to worm his way out, like he was taught. But I wouldn't take any of it, I was going to do what I had my mind set on. I pulled the first bandage off, the one with the blood that looked slightly older. Sam winced when it pulled off the cut, the blood having dried to it. I pulled the bandage completely off, and wince at the sight. My beautiful baby brother's skin, punctured. I slid my finger across it slowly, and looked up at Sam. He had tears rolling down his face. I tried to ignore them, only to find tears rolling down my face also. I moved to the next bandage, with the newest looking blood. I pulled it off slowly, only to reveal two cuts. I whimpered slightly at the flinch he made when I did so. I then leaned towards the first cut, and gently pressed my lips against it. A simply, gentle kiss. I did the same for the other two. "Sam, I'm not going to make you stop. But under one condition, you have to show me whenever you do this. Okay?" I asked, gently, looking back up at him. He was crying pretty hard, but so was I. "Okay....okay Dean. I pro-mise." Sam managed to choke out. ~~Sam~~ Dean..he just..he kissed my cuts. He cares. He really cares. I don't know what to do. Sob or kiss him. Kiss those lips that had just kissed the lacerations on my arm with nothing but loving care. I lifted my left arm, not breaking eye contact, and hooked my hand around the back of his head. I leaned it, taking the risk, and pressed my lips to his. He instantly melted into the feeling of my lips on his, and kissed me back without hesitation. I could feel the sparks travel through my lips, and downward. Towards the wrong head. Even though this shouldn't have been sexual, I still had to slightly shift to make room for my slight erection. I felt Dean do the same, without breaking the kiss still. He had wrapped his arms around my shoulders, and was kissing with real passion. I was starting to get light headed from the lack of breath, and unwillingly had to pull away. "Dean.." I started an apology, just in case. "Shut up, Sammy.." Dean muttered and pressed another kiss to my lips to final the shut up. He hopped off the Impala, and was at my side lifting me off faster than I could tell him no. "I can walk, you know." I said into the crook of his neck. "not in this life time you aren't." Dean replied. I could hear the pure love in his voice. He carried me all the way up the stairs and into the apartment. He carried me to the bathroom, where he set me down on the counter. "are you gonna let me bandage these back up for you?" He asked, gently grabbing my arm and pulling it towards himself. "will you..please..?" I asked, worried that asking him to do that was wrong. He didn't respond, only grabbed the gauze and began wrapping my arm tightly. I winced slightly at the pain, and he mumbled an apology. After he had finished, he let me get down and walk back the the bed by myself. Although, he didn't release my hand. We crawled back into the bed together, and he instantly pressed another kiss directly to my lips. Yep, I could really get used to this. He tasted like..happiness. Theres no other way to explain it. I laid my head back onto the pillow, and pull his arm around my waist. His body pressed up against the the back of mine felt..right. Like it was meant to be there. Like it belonged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and this chapter was written for apocalypseAwake! c: you should go check out his fics!


	3. Hunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean go on a hunt. lots of fluff. Something happens towards the end, which leads to Protective!Dean.

~~Dean~~  
"Hey Sam, you up for a hunt? theres a simple haunting two towns over." I asked Sam over breakfast.  
He looked up from his eggs, "So I get to hunt with my favorite hunter?" He retorted, a loving smile playing on his lips. Those goddamn lips, which tasted like pure love. I stood, and walked to the other side of the table, and pressed a kiss to his lips. I took his plate to the sink along with mine. I turned to look at him, and he was just sitting there with his fingers on his lips, touching the area where my lips had just been.  
"You okay Sammy?" I asked, concern in my voice. What if I have messed all of this up? What if...what if..  
"No. Dean, no. I'm just having problems believing that this is actually happening." He reassured me.

"Well believe it, because this is real life baby boy." I responded, planting a kiss on his lips once again. 

~~Sam~~  
I grabbed my bags and followed Dean out the door, but I couldn't help myself. I had to check out his ass. I mean, it was right there. Then it dawned to me. He was mine. This man, he's now mine.   
I shut and locked the door behind myself, and jogged down the steps behind Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for my best friend Jane. ily.


End file.
